Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
