rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
