So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
