Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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