I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
