I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
