You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
