Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
