Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
