it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
