1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
