I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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