Plan B is the new Plan A
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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