so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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