There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize