i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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