i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
