Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
