i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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