I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
