The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
