you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
