...so i touched it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
