In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
