i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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