Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
