God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
