My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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