I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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