I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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