Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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