if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
