my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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