I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
