I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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