why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize