my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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