Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize