He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
