I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
