this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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