Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
