My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
