HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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