I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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