apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
