why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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