Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
