This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
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