This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
