My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
