She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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