My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
