I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
