Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
