May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize